Depth.

Am I shallow?

Do I lack depth?

Do I not think things through?

I would seriously love to know the answers to these questions. Yes, I'm whining about something, but on a personal level, I believe it's something worth whining about: I've read other people's blogs and online journals and they contain more depth than mine. I don't know whether this is because certain people put so much more effort into their posts than I do, but they consistantly have more meaning than mine.

I don't really mind this...except that I do. One of my biggest vanities is that I consider myself an intelligent and thoughtful person, especially given my age. I like to modestly toot my own horn and yes, I do often think I'm better than others (even though I do so guiltily...). I guess my question is -- is this a bad thing? It probably isn't a good thing, that's for sure...but I don't know *how* bad it is. Does this tooting of my own horn mean I'm shallow? Or a snob?

I want to be calm and collected, contemplative and insightful, knowledgable on both important and obscure matters, able to find meaning in the meaningful. For example, I just finished reading the Jane Austen Book Club, by Karen Joy Fowler, in which the characters discuss Austen's novels. A lovely book, except most of what they discussed about the book were things I'd never thought of before... In high school I has to really analyze what I was reading, but that was mostly inside of the classroom. I've never really analyzed things I've read for fun and I feel genuinely apprehensive about starting just because there's no one there to hold my hand and tell me that I'm right or wrong.

That being said, I still want to analyze and be "smart" about what I read...and just in general, too. I seen people referencing the Bible and I know that that's something I've never done and probably never will. And it makes me jealous. Just that someone is able to do that -- to stay so on track and be able to look up some insanely obscure quote in this huge book and then come back and add it to their little journal entry and keep their entry sooo on topic and cohesive.

It makes me so jealous.